Let’s say you made it out alive—

Let’s say screaming and begging and pleading with a mother black bear doesn’t work, but you still made it out alive. And maybe let’s consider that by ‘you’ I mean ‘me.’ And additionally, let’s say and consider that I would like to share with you my secret to surviving a brush with a mother black bear whilst on a stroll in the woodland areas of the Northeast sector of North America:

Try not to antagonize the beast—

Do not roll your eyes at her. Appeal to her basic senses, say something like—I have to warn you. I haven’t pooped in a few days, and I honestly have no idea what’s going on in there. Eating me would be like eating a poop sandwich. Do you want that? Do you want that for your children?

All animals and females respond well to whistling, kissing noises, and snapping fingers, so if your fingers have not been eaten, try snapping them at the bear. If your lips or any part of your jawline has not been eaten, try whistling an upbeat tune like Jimmy Crack Corn. Be sure to mind the tempo—try not to interrupt the natural flow of the song with intermittent sobs.

All females love to be flattered, so say something like—Are you using a new conditioner? Your fur smells like lilacs, and my blood is not matting it at all! Or try—How did you lose the baby weight? I noticed when you were trying to smother me; you have a gorgeous figure! Or maybe try—In this light, the way you are standing on your back legs, the way you are pawing at my head, in this light, you are so pretty.

If none of the above works—

Just get the dog with you to stop barking at and running toward the bear, and casually turn and march in the opposite direction.